My boss had pulled me into a private room to give me those three directions.

Why?

Because I was scaring the crap out of everyone.

👉 Being right won’t save you if everyone hates your guts.

👉 Adaptability is easier than you think. And it starts with small behaviors.

And now — the story behind why this advice matters. 👇

Not only was I pretty damn green when I moved to Australia to lead a $84 million-dollar sports center development project—

It was also the first time I had stepped foot on that continent.

I was under-qualified and under-prepared to be down under. But I was buzzed on a cocktail of New York confidence and youth naivety, which made me blind to the risks of my situation.

My boss, however, was not blind.

He was shitting himself.

This young American girl he had taken a chance on was loud, aggressive, and pissing everybody off.

By this point, I had already proven that I could get the job done. And in the ultra-time-constrained chaos of launching the development, they needed my ruthless tenacity. Feelings didn’t matter. Outcomes did.

But the launch had been a success, and as we began settling into operations, I was unwittingly making enemies out of friends. And that wasn’t going to be good for anyone.

“Be direct.”

“Take up space.”

“Don’t apologize.”

“Hold eye contact.”

“Use a strong voice.”

This got hammered into the young female professionals of my generation. I think it still does. And in general, it’s decent advice.

I’ve never been demure, so frankly, this all came naturally to me. 

And in New York, it f*cking worked. NYC felt like home the moment I arrived here. I was surrounded by people who were just as loud and aggressive as I was, and who respected me more for it.

This was hugely validating for little Kristin. 

But it was also a misleading situation.

Young people aren’t all that different from puppies. Positive reinforcement encourages us to repeat behavior, and negative reinforcement encourages us to stop behavior.

When I was direct, aggressive, and forceful, shit got done, and I was rewarded with positive recognition. Sometimes that was a raise or promotion, but even just an attagirl was enough to get my tail wagging.

But when I was reserved, modest, and mindful, shit didn’t get done, and I was punished with no recognition, or even worse, negative feedback.

So my young brain set these binary terms of engagement at work:

👉 Aggressive = Winning

👉 Modest = Losing

This was no different from a puppy thinking:

👉 Pooping on the grass = Treat

👉 Pooping on the carpet = A smack on the nose with a newspaper

And I was determined to not get my nose smacked.

But puppies don’t think about that stuff. They don’t carefully consider cultural nuances. They don’t research appropriate communication tactics. 

And neither did I.

When I arrived in Melbourne, I followed the instinctual playbook that had delivered me great success in New York. And initially, the nature of the high-pressure project I was working on rewarded that behavior. 

But now it was backfiring.

My operational responsibilities included leading a large team, managing a bunch of stakeholder relationships, and of course, playing nice with my colleagues.

And I thought things were going well. I thought people liked me. Because in my limited experience, people liked people who got shit done. 

So I was startled to learn that wasn’t the case.

“Kristin, you’ve been doing a great job, but your management style isn’t meshing with Australian culture.”

This was the first time I had ever considered that I even had a “management style”.

Apparently I did:

This was also the first time I was receiving negative feedback while simultaneously executing 10x more work than my colleagues. WTF?

I could sense that my boss was uncomfortable having this conversation with me. He knew that I was the first one to arrive in the morning, the last to leave at night, and that I had spent months bleeding my veins dry for this project.

So how was he supposed to tell me that I was dangerously close to getting burned at the stake?

Here’s how — he focused on the behavior, not the intention behind it.

My intentions didn’t need modifying, but my brash New York behavior wasn’t translating to my new Australian workplace.

He started with the volume of my voice:

Hmm. That… made sense. 

👉 The solution? I didn’t need to change what I was saying, I just needed to say it more softly. I could work on that.

Then he moved on to my body language:

👉 The solution? Try to keep my back against the chair so I’m not tempted to swallow the table.

And finally, something unexpected, but the easiest fix of all:

👉 The solution? Stop wearing a watch. Something I have maintained to this day.

Looking back at my entire career, this is the clearest and most helpful performance feedback I’ve ever received. Not just because it was easy for me to implement, and yielded immediate positive results, but because it showed me how simple it can be to adapt to a totally different culture.

I learned that it’s possible to retain your values, modify your behavior, and be just as successful (and likable) as you were back home.

This little mindset shift from 15 years ago opened me up to the world. 🌎

It has helped me navigate cultural differences between companies, colleagues, and yes, even countries.

There’s a very specific reason I’ve been reminded of this little story. My husband just received an incredible promotion, which comes with a move to…

Buckle up sports fans — we’re moving to Philadelphia. 🔔

And despite being less than 2-hours apart, New York and Philly are two hugely different cities with somewhat dichotomous cultures.

Now…

I know that I’m usually the one giving advice, but today, I find myself in need of some guidance.

So I have a special request for Drunk Business Advice’s Philly readers:

Help me not be an asshole in the City of Brotherly Love! 

What’s your best advice for a newcomer? What’s the shit nobody tells you until you arrive and start rubbing folks the wrong way?

Hit reply and lay it on me! I’m stoked to start calling your city home. ♥️

Cheers! 🍻

-Kristin

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