Love is in the air.

And tomorrow, everyone will be out on dates celebrating naked-baby-armed-with-a-pointy-stick-day. 💘 

In honor of this, I’m going to deviate from business, and shell out some marriage advice that I am utterly unqualified to give.

 🛑 Continue reading at your own risk.

Shhhh… for those who have been with me since the early days, don’t worry — you’re not seeing double. 😉 

Will you grow together — or grow apart?

Most reasonable people will advise young couples to get aligned on life’s core plans before getting married.

Plans like:

• Where you want to live.

• Whether or not you want kids.

• The roles that you desire to play (such as breadwinner, homemaker, or a million hybrid scenarios in between).

That’s indisputably good advice.

But here’s what no one really considers —

🌱 People grow.

🧠 Outlooks evolve.

🎯 Goals shift.

You’re not going to be the same person 10 years from now.

The person you’re marrying today is not going to be the same person 10 years from now.

Yet none of us believe that’s actually going to happen. We believe the person we are now is the person we’ll always be.

There’s a scientific term for this—

It’s called the “end of history illusion”.

In one of my favorite TED Talks, Psychologist and Professor Dan Gilbert astutely points out that "human beings are works in progress that mistakenly think they're finished." 

We all think that the future we desire right now is the future we’ll always desire.

That’s almost never true. ❌ 

Professor Gilbert’s research reveals that humans are able to accurately reflect on how much they have changed between the past and the present, but can’t accurately predict how much they will change between the present and the future.

So, as steadfastly as you believe in the direction of your life at this very moment, rest assured that your future self will look back one day and think you’re full of bullshit. 💩 

This is why marriage is so tricky. 🤷 

It’s inevitable that you’re both going to change and grow…

But will you grow together — or grow apart?

Welp. That wasn’t the plan.

When Brennan and I got married, we were fully aligned on the future we desired.

Within five years, we wanted to move to the suburbs and begin having children.

Brennan was to be the primary earner, and I would transition to a more flexible and less intense career situation to make space in my life for motherhood.

Fast forward 10 years—

• We’re childfree (by choice). 🍼 🚫 

• We live in the middle of Manhattan. 🗽 

• My career is on full blast. 📈 

Literally ALL of our most important future plans — that we had so dutifully agreed on — hit the shredder.

And our marriage came shockingly close to going up in flames. ❤️‍🔥 

Domestic bliss

A few years after getting married, we took the first big step in our life plan, and moved to the suburbs. 

This was a hugely exciting time for us. I was thrilled beyond belief when we made a lowball offer on our dream house, and managed to close the deal.

Right before we moved, I distinctly remember lying awake in bed one night, overwhelmed by anxiety because I was too happy. 

Seriously. 

I didn’t believe I deserved to be as blissful as I was, and I was terrified that the universe was going to correct it by dropping some kind of disaster on our heads.

Our brains are f*cking weird. 🤦

But instead of an external disaster (like a car crash, a devastating diagnosis, or the myriad of other mishaps I was imagining), the “disaster” that struck turned out to be my own shifting perspective.

I arrived in the suburbs — and promptly hated it

It was difficult to make friends, and I worked from home, so I was cooped up all day.

Brennan was commuting into the city, arriving home angry at the world after fighting traffic for hours, and (understandably) wanting to just lock himself in a dark room.

Months went by, and we became incredibly distant from each other.

I was escaping to the city as often as I could, Brennan was distracting himself with work, and we were both beginning to secretly resent each other.

As devastated as I was about this — it was also a blessing.

We had planned to start trying to have kids right away, but that —ahem— “thing that makes babies” doesn’t really happen when a husband and wife are rarely in the same room. 😬

We were dodging each other — and our problems — but given that having a baby was the next “step” of our plan, a discussion on the topic soon became unavoidable.

Doesn’t everybody want kids?

Never, in my entire life, had I considered the possibility that I might not want children.

I have a massive family. My mother is one of 14 kids. No exaggeration — she has 13 true brothers and sisters. 🤯 

And like most little girls, I grew up playing house and imagining myself as a mother someday.

But what I hadn’t realized (when the shit began hitting the fan in the suburbs) is that I was no longer excited by the idea of having kids.

I was simply following our plan.

I wasn’t checking in with myself.

Until Brennan brought it up.

The “kid” talk turned out to be the catalyst for a much-needed “life” talk. We were both unhappy, but neither of us felt like we had the right to be, so we didn’t talk about it.

Brennan maneuvered around that by presenting a thought exercise — what might our lives look like if we didn’t have kids?

Holy moly. 🤯 

This opened up the most important discussion we’ve ever had in our marriage. 

And the way he brilliantly framed the question enabled us to discuss it objectively. We could talk about our emotions without letting our emotions drive the discussion.

As we painted a hypothetical picture of our lives without kids, a theme emerged…

😞 Things that make Kristin and Brennan unhappy:

• Permanence

• Inflexibility

• Confinement

😃 Things that make Kristin and Brennan happy:

• Each other ❤️

I entered this discussion truly believing that our marriage may not survive much longer. 

But after we both put aside our egos and spoke honestly, we realized that we had mislabeled each other as the causes of our unhappiness.

The actual cause of our unhappiness was the rigidity with which we had stuck to the plans we had made years before — without considering that our outlooks or desires may have changed.

Our love for each other, it turned out, was just as strong as ever.

The impermanence mindset

👉️ Would we still have moved to the suburbs even if we had discussed our feelings before we made that decision?

Probably. 🤷 

We couldn’t see the future, or anticipate how this huge lifestyle change would actually feel in practice. Nobody can.

We simply arrived there, and came to realize that we didn’t like the situation we had placed ourselves in.

But the thing that made us desperately unhappy wasn’t our situation.

It was the misconception that we couldn’t change it — that this was now our permanent life — simply because we had labeled a random piece of real estate as our “forever house”.

After enduring this experience, we adopted an “impermanence mindset”. 🧠 

Here’s how it works:

• Every new plan begins with “let’s try this and see how it feels”.

• Then when we try it, we actually talk about how it feels.

• And if it doesn’t feel good (for either of us), we make a new plan.

This approach makes both of us so open to trying new things, and so optimistic about our future, because we’re not locked-in to a predetermined path.

And it drives our CFP up the wall (sorry Eric 😜).

But living this way has helped us discover dozens of “new versions” of ourselves — together. The more we change, the more our relationship strengthens.

Everybody grows.

And whether you grow together, or grow apart, boils down to a lot more than just luck.

👉 Embrace impermanence, and just f*cking talk.

That’s my official marriage advice.

For whatever it’s worth. 🤷 

Cheers! 🍻

-Kristin :-)

P.S. — Brennan, I hope you enjoyed these Ted Lasso GIFs, courtesy of Tenor, as your Valentine’s present. I’m not buying chocolates. ❤️ 

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