Well, I’m back in the U.S. following a relaxing European vacation.

Did I miss anything while I was away? 😉

—

My adventure over the last couple of weeks through Monaco, Italy, France, and Spain was “anchored” by a sail aboard the beautiful Seabourn Sojourn cruise ship (go ahead, be jealous). 🚢

With only 450 guests (and 350 crew for a nearly 1:1 ratio) Seabourn pays  homage to the bygone era of cruise vacations — a stark contrast to many modern ships, which jam 5,000+ guests aboard understaffed floating barges. 😵‍💫

I have to hand it to Captain Hamish Elliot and Cruise Director Nick Martland — they run a f*cking brilliant show.

And I’m a ruthless critic with high expectations.

That might be because I have a little bit of experience in this industry… 😉

Love at first sail

My parents weren’t exactly June and Ward Cleaver. 🤷

They were gritty entrepreneurs who got their start in the entertainment industry (well-known for its wholesome reputation 🙄).

Mom was a Broadway performer who somehow managed to avoid the perils of the casting couch, and Dad was a kid from Detroit who escaped to Miami to teach the Cha-Cha instead of putting bumpers on Fords.

They serendipitously met while working on a cruise ship in Alaska. Mom was in a show, and Dad had worked his way up from the dance floor to a Cruise Director position.

It’s a story that’s as badass as it is romantic. 👊❤️

By the time they found each other, they were in their 30s, and they had already married and divorced other people (or a couple of other people in my Dad’s case 😬). 

Mom is one of 14 siblings (another story for another day), so she knew that:

1. She 100% wanted kids

2. She wasn’t getting any younger

But their lifestyle wasn’t exactly conducive to starting a family.

Dad had a successful (but unpredictable) career as a nomadic Cruise Director, and Mom had a little NYC apartment where she crashed between theatre tours and cruise show contracts.

But they said “f*ck it”, and had me anyway. 🤷 

And for the first decade of my existence, my life pretty much looked like this. 👇

I had a bonkers childhood 🤨 

I get strange looks when I tell people that I “grew up on cruise ships”, so let me explain the logistics.

Dad performed contracts as a Cruise Director, which usually lasted between 3-6 months, focusing on cruise lines that sailed out of Port Canaveral, FL, into the Caribbean.

Mom gave up her theatre career (and her NYC digs), and together, they bought a house near Port Canaveral, and launched a production company called Ship to Shore Entertainment.

Their new company produced the musical review-type shows that used to be popular on cruise ships and in resorts.

And they converted our FL home into the company’s HQ, turning it into a full-scale production studio.

The company’s Musical Director (who crafted all of the arrangements) lived with us — right next door to my bedroom. 

He was a brilliantly talented musician, gay before you could be open about that sort of thing, and a friendly alcoholic who taught me that the best way to start the day is with a tall glass of pickle juice and vodka. 🤢

My mom handled all of the casting and choreography, directed the shows, and even starred in many of them (sometimes on purpose, and sometimes because cast members couldn’t handle life at sea once they got out there).

And Dad took care of the business side of things, negotiating contracts with various cruise lines and resorts.

New casts would arrive to our house for a few weeks to learn the shows, then Mom would travel with them to whatever ship / resort they were contracted for, and stay until they were comfortable on their own—

All while my dad did the Cruise Director thing on ships out of Port Canaveral.

So where did that leave me?

All over the damn place.

Life was far from boring, but as a little kid, I had no context to understand how abnormal my existence was.

Our home was a revolving door of entertainers.

🎹 Musicians

🎤 Singers

💃 Dancers

🤣 Comics

🎩 Magicians

🤹 Jugglers

The house parties were EPIC.

During one such party, an Elvis impersonator attended (who my brother and I only knew as Elvis himself, because that’s what we were told 😆).

My little brother, Jake, asked Elvis if he wanted to go fishing in a row boat on the lake behind our house. 🎣 🚣 

Elvis replied that he didn’t know how to fish.

Jake said “that’s ok, I’ll teach you”.

So off they went, Elvis and little Jake, rowing out to the middle of the lake, casting lines, and discussing the meaning of life.

It was all fun and games until Jake’s kindergarten teacher asked what he did that weekend, and he replied innocently:

👉 “I taught Elvis how to fish.”

Poor kid. He got punished for telling a lie, until my mother intervened to inform the teacher that he was, in fact, telling the truth.

Which brings us to the topic of school… 🎒 

For our early education, we attended what’s called a “year-round school”.

This meant we didn’t have traditional terms with a long break in the summer. Instead, we would go to school for six weeks, then take two weeks off, in a continuous cycle.

So during our regular breaks, we were on the ships with Mom and Dad, and when school was in session, we were home, usually with Mom, or a nanny / grandparents if Mom got called to a ship.

The Big Red Boat

In the early 90s, Dad took a steady Cruise Director gig with Premier Cruise Lines, known as The Big Red Boat because of the fleet’s snazzy paint jobs. 👇️ 

It was the official cruise partner of Disney before they got into the cruise game themselves, and Dad was the company’s most senior Cruise Director.

By this time, I was old enough to sail “alone” with Dad during my school breaks. 

This meant that I would hop on board, Dad would be working the whole time, and I’d be left to my own devices.

It. Was. The. Shit. 🤯

I roamed these ships like I owned ‘em, with full access to both guest and crew areas (even the bridge!).

But with this privilege came a huge responsibility.

Before I stepped on board, Mom would always make me repeat a mantra:

• Mom: “Who are you?”

• Me: “The Cruise Director’s daughter.”

• Mom: “So how should you behave?”

• Me: “Like the Cruise Director’s daughter.”

This mantra meant that even if other kids on board were running amok (it was a Disney cruise after all, so there were always a lot of kids) — I could not behave that way. 

I was an extension of the Cruise Director.

I had to behave professionally.

That was a pretty tall order for a 7-year-old, but I was up for the challenge.

So rather than hanging out in “Pluto’s Playhouse” (where all the guests dumped their kids so they could sip daiquiris on the pool deck in peace), I spent my time with the crew—

And received an extensive behind-the-scenes education during an incredible era in the cruise industry, when cruise vacations were becoming more common and accessible, but before corporate behemoths sucked the originality out of them.

Getting into the family business…

A decade after my parents retired from ships to build an ice rink (true story, you can read about it here), I was 20 years old, and trying to figure out my damn life.

I did my best to make my parents proud and go to college, but it just didn’t work out.

So I was working my ass off to make ends meet, in a toxic relationship, and just generally directionless.

One day I hit a breaking point, and just said “f*ck it, I’ll go on ships”.

I called up a family friend who was a cruise entertainment booking agent, and she shared my background with her network.

Within 48-hours, I had multiple offers, with one of them asking, “Can you be in Alaska next week?”.

Yep. 🤝

So I hopped on a plane to join the Celebrity Infinity as the newest member of their entertainment staff.

That spontaneous decision was the beginning of the rest of my life.

And next week, I’m going to share some intimate details about my life on board. If you’ve ever been on a cruise, and wondered what the crew gets up to behind closed doors, you’re not going to want to miss it. 😉

Cheers! 🍻

-Kristin :-)

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